Red's Journal

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Red's Journal
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Date:	2003-02-22 17:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

I love her.

I'm convinced of it now. And I'm convinced that she loves me. Yet things are as complicated as ever and my fears have not been assauged. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I honestly don't believe I've felt this way for anyone since I feel in love with Joe. She says she doesn't think she's ever felt this way before. She gives me such utter joy and completion and peace. We talk on the phone at night and I'm feel so happy and loved, I just want to weep. I'm totally amazed and thankful and touched that somebody finally sees me the way I know I deserve to be seen and not only do they see me, they really, truly love me. The things that I worry scare people off are things that make her care so much about me. She appreciates my intensity and passion. When we run into snags regarding my insecurity and fears of rejection and abandonment, she's patient. She tells me we're going to work through these issues together, that I never have to face these things alone again. She says every single thing that I've longed, needed to hear for all these years. Even Joe wasn't that understanding and patient with me. And I instictively trust her. I really don't believe she's the kind of person who lies about things like that. She is the person I've been dreaming of for years and I love her so much, it's overwhelming. Wonderfully, sweetly overwhelming.

Still, as the song says -- every rose has it's thorn, right? Life is extreme these days. I'm either wildly, blissfully satisfied with life or I'm scared beyond all belief. The thought of losing her terrifies me. I weathered so much rejection and disappointment and heartbreak over the last three years, I don't know what I would do if I lost her -- this amazing, ideal person. I would survive. I've lived through enough garbage to know I can survive, but I don't even want to consider the level of disheartenment it would cause. It would be completely demoralizing.

She's scared. She's never had someone love her as completely and unconditionally as I guess I do. She says it's like I can almost see through her. And she doesn't know how to handle that, which is understandable because she grew up with shitty parents -- a father who's been basically absent her entire life and a mother who's a co-dependant alcoholic. She's never been loved the right way, and from the most basic, important relationships of her life. She's used to putting up walls and keeping an emotional distance from people, but she hasn't done that with me. Our connection has been swift and intense and intimate. Neither of us seemed to have any control over that. It frightens her because she doesn't have that safe distance that she's used to. She says I'm everything she's wanted and needed, but now that she has it, she isn't sure how to handle it, even though she loves me and wants things to work for us.

Basically, though she hasn't put it in these terms, she's afraid she's going to sabotage our relationship out of fear or dysfunction or whatever -- I'm not even sure, but it's some form of sabotage. She's says she's worried about cheating -- physically and emotionally, that when she's burdened by fears or negative emotions she sometimes turns to others to distract her from those things. She promises she's going to do everything she can to prevent this from happening and I believe her. She says she doesn't know she's going to screw up like this, but she doesn't know she isn't. This scares me more than I can possibly express in words. I don't even believe it's out of selfishness and lack of love for me. In fact, I'm almost certain it isn't. I know it's because she's just never had any positive, healthy examples of love. Nonetheless, I can't say that if she cheated on me, I wouldn't be absolutely destroyed. I'm so terrified of it.

She's going to a party tonight. She says it will be a good test because these parties get pretty wild, but she thinks she can do the right thing. Somehow this isn't much of a reassurance to me. What if she gets drunk and does something stupid? What if she's still feeling upset about things in her life and there's someone willing around? It hurts that the thought of me and how much I love her and how much she loves me isn't an automatic guarantee that she won't fuck up. She says it's not that she doesn't love me enough and in a weird way I understand what she's staying, but I can't comprehend how somebody could screw a good thing up if they're happy and it's what they want. Then again, she's had a very different lifestyle from me -- growing-up-wise.

I found out last night that she has thyroid cancer and that that's a big part of her fear and skittishness. I understand this, as well. She's afraid of dragging me through all of this with her and all I can do is gape at her. I love her so much. She's brought me so much happiness and renewed faith and hope, that I would go through just about anything with her. It's not a chore or a pain to stand by her through her illness -- it's love. And it makes me happy to give her that.

I know she's scared. I know she loves me and really wants to be with me and make this work. I can't prove it, but I just know it. Last night I told her I knew she wanted to be with me and that she shouldn't be afraid to take what she wants when it's offered to her. I told her that I wouldn't let her throw away a good thing. And she thanked me and told me she was glad for that. This is what she wants...she's just scared. I need her to stick around long enough to learn love can be a positive, good thing. It can be giving and healing and nourishing. I will prove it to her.

Last night -- this morning, rather -- we about to end our conversation and head to bed. We've told each other that we love each other and I wanted to say it before I hung up, but I was afraid of pushing it one her too much. I'm always convinced I feel more than the other person and it makes me all paranoid. So I said "bye," and there was this pause and she really, truly said the words I longed to hear her say: "I love you." It was so wonderful, such sweet sentiment that I wanted to just cry. I needed her to say it and she did. Perfectly. And I know she meant it -- I could hear it so clearly in her voice. That's how I know she loves me and wants to be with me and make things work.

I just hope she can really do it. For her sake and mine.

I'm scared shitless about tonight. I'm hoping I'll just be able to sleep tonight so I'm not up at all hours worrying myself sick -- almost quite literally -- about it. I won't be able to calm down until I talk to her tomorrow and she hopefully tells me she's passed this test with flying colors. I'm so nervous about it. All the scenarios keep racing through my head and tormenting me. I can't bear the thought of her doing anything with anyone else. I hope she can stay strong. I hope her love for me is ever present in her mind and takes away even the notion of doing something.

I'm tired. I should try to get some sleep. I hope I don't wake up until about the time I can get the report from her. It has the potential to be a very long night.

Why can't it ever be simple and easy?

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Date:	2003-02-05 23:25
Subject:	What I really want to do
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

It's become a ritual -- getting on the computer every night and waiting for her to log on to AIM so we can talk. Then we end up talking until four or five in the morning and laughing at ourselves. She says I'm addictive. She's the first person who's felt that way in quite a long time. I hope she doesn't stop feeling that way. I hope I don't, either.

I wanna do this. I really, really do. It feels so right. I love talking to her. Of course, I wish we could talk in person rather than online. I feel like we would be so comfortable and happy around each other. I was watching movies tonight and the entire time I was imagining what it would be like to be laying on my bed watching these movies with her rather than all alone. We like the same type of movies, so I'd know she's as into it as I am and we can talk about it afterward. And I just think of myself curling up to her and putting my head on her shoulder and holding her hand as we watch the TV. Occasionally kiss her neck or stroke her belly.

( To see her and feel her )